renae: (Default)
[personal profile] renae
tonight I managed about 15 minutes on Debussy´s Claire de Lune.  It´s a piece that I have never played before, but know intimately.  There are a few consistent mistakes I make, but considering it´s quite a difficult piece, I think I´m doing quite well. My technique is poor, but it´s not bothering me.  I´m not playing to sound amazing, I´m playing because I want to.  That´s something I haven´t wanted to do for a long time.

I also took a bash at Bach´s 2 part invention in C major.  I first learned this piece when I was only 7 years old, and I find it quite tricky.  You can´t hide an uncoordinated right hand in bach, so I´m starting slow and building it up.  It is such a complex work musically.

the whole concept of setting the well tempered clavier and the order Bach set on the chaos of music writing fascinates me.  I think that is the main thing about him I admire.

I did some more yoga tonight as well.  I don´t meditate.  I´m terrible at it.  But I do love the feeling of focuses on stretching out all the kinks in my muscles.  I am have very poor flexibility and very tight muscles in most of my body, so yoga is a very good way to combat the pain associated with those.  I get to share it with Small One.  She thoroughly enjoys doing some of the poses with me and we have a good giggle with it.  Even in our tiny flat, the two of us can do yoga together!

I have decided to write, in pencil on paper, the story of my childhood.  I have things in my childhood that at 31, I still haven´t reconciled.  Even though, I´m pretty stable.  I have very tight control over my emotions and am a little scared things will go a bit nuts from really taking the time to properly remember these things.  It´s not as though I don´t feel things, I do.  Strongly. I love, smile, laugh, get cranky, am very loyal, protective and compassionate.  But I don´t really allow sadness.  To be honest, given the mental health issues in my family and certain events in my childhood I believe that if I allowed myself to wallow in sadness, it would engulf me completely and I would never escape. I consciously choose to not be sad.  To not be broken.  To not let myself be broken.  Sadness and misery would have a lot of fuel if I opened myself to them. I have no desire to suffer.

Husband knows I am planning to write the detailed story.  He´s been told the single statement summarising the events and who it involves, but I´ve not ever told anyone the details.  Not my mother when things were worked out and not one of my brothers, even when they tried to get some details.  I haven´t even told myself, and they´re memories I kept firmly away from my daily life, as much as possible. 

I don´t know if I will ever share what I write.  Part of me wants to, but the other part of me doesn´t want people to know.  I am a private person, for all I appear to be open.  That´s a boundary I don´t know if I´m comfortable with pushing.  But time changes everything.

Here´s hoping I come through this a better person, with some demons exorcised, some peace in parts that have been dark and murky for a long time and better self knowledge.

Date: 2009-06-20 10:31 pm (UTC)
catdraco: (Default)
From: [personal profile] catdraco
Writing these things down is a very, very powerful thing to do. You don't ever have to share them - just writing them is powerful enough. If you do want to share them, then I will read them if you want me to.

There's broken, and there's broken. It's okay to be broken. We're all broken to some degree. But I think I know what you mean - broken to no purpose, so that you function less well or not at all. That's not okay, and you don't need that.


My experience leads me to believe that getting these things out can be intensely painful and a hell of a transition: but that you won't want to do it until you're in a safe place, ready to deal with them. Our brains are amazing like that: they don't let things out until we're somewhere safe.


renae: (Default)

October 2009

18 192021222324

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 05:28 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios