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[personal profile] renae
tonight I managed about 15 minutes on Debussy´s Claire de Lune.  It´s a piece that I have never played before, but know intimately.  There are a few consistent mistakes I make, but considering it´s quite a difficult piece, I think I´m doing quite well. My technique is poor, but it´s not bothering me.  I´m not playing to sound amazing, I´m playing because I want to.  That´s something I haven´t wanted to do for a long time.

I also took a bash at Bach´s 2 part invention in C major.  I first learned this piece when I was only 7 years old, and I find it quite tricky.  You can´t hide an uncoordinated right hand in bach, so I´m starting slow and building it up.  It is such a complex work musically.

the whole concept of setting the well tempered clavier and the order Bach set on the chaos of music writing fascinates me.  I think that is the main thing about him I admire.

I did some more yoga tonight as well.  I don´t meditate.  I´m terrible at it.  But I do love the feeling of focuses on stretching out all the kinks in my muscles.  I am have very poor flexibility and very tight muscles in most of my body, so yoga is a very good way to combat the pain associated with those.  I get to share it with Small One.  She thoroughly enjoys doing some of the poses with me and we have a good giggle with it.  Even in our tiny flat, the two of us can do yoga together!

I have decided to write, in pencil on paper, the story of my childhood.  I have things in my childhood that at 31, I still haven´t reconciled.  Even though, I´m pretty stable.  I have very tight control over my emotions and am a little scared things will go a bit nuts from really taking the time to properly remember these things.  It´s not as though I don´t feel things, I do.  Strongly. I love, smile, laugh, get cranky, am very loyal, protective and compassionate.  But I don´t really allow sadness.  To be honest, given the mental health issues in my family and certain events in my childhood I believe that if I allowed myself to wallow in sadness, it would engulf me completely and I would never escape. I consciously choose to not be sad.  To not be broken.  To not let myself be broken.  Sadness and misery would have a lot of fuel if I opened myself to them. I have no desire to suffer.

Husband knows I am planning to write the detailed story.  He´s been told the single statement summarising the events and who it involves, but I´ve not ever told anyone the details.  Not my mother when things were worked out and not one of my brothers, even when they tried to get some details.  I haven´t even told myself, and they´re memories I kept firmly away from my daily life, as much as possible. 

I don´t know if I will ever share what I write.  Part of me wants to, but the other part of me doesn´t want people to know.  I am a private person, for all I appear to be open.  That´s a boundary I don´t know if I´m comfortable with pushing.  But time changes everything.


Here´s hoping I come through this a better person, with some demons exorcised, some peace in parts that have been dark and murky for a long time and better self knowledge.
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renae

October 2009

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