Oct. 19th, 2009 09:32 pm
renae: (Default)
After much soul searching, I've discovered the only thing I'm passionate about is getting sufficient sleep.

I need to dedicate this decade of my life to self-improvement and development, I think.
renae: (Default)
tonight I managed about 15 minutes on Debussy´s Claire de Lune.  It´s a piece that I have never played before, but know intimately.  There are a few consistent mistakes I make, but considering it´s quite a difficult piece, I think I´m doing quite well. My technique is poor, but it´s not bothering me.  I´m not playing to sound amazing, I´m playing because I want to.  That´s something I haven´t wanted to do for a long time.

I also took a bash at Bach´s 2 part invention in C major.  I first learned this piece when I was only 7 years old, and I find it quite tricky.  You can´t hide an uncoordinated right hand in bach, so I´m starting slow and building it up.  It is such a complex work musically.

the whole concept of setting the well tempered clavier and the order Bach set on the chaos of music writing fascinates me.  I think that is the main thing about him I admire.

I did some more yoga tonight as well.  I don´t meditate.  I´m terrible at it.  But I do love the feeling of focuses on stretching out all the kinks in my muscles.  I am have very poor flexibility and very tight muscles in most of my body, so yoga is a very good way to combat the pain associated with those.  I get to share it with Small One.  She thoroughly enjoys doing some of the poses with me and we have a good giggle with it.  Even in our tiny flat, the two of us can do yoga together!

I have decided to write, in pencil on paper, the story of my childhood.  I have things in my childhood that at 31, I still haven´t reconciled.  Even though, I´m pretty stable.  I have very tight control over my emotions and am a little scared things will go a bit nuts from really taking the time to properly remember these things.  It´s not as though I don´t feel things, I do.  Strongly. I love, smile, laugh, get cranky, am very loyal, protective and compassionate.  But I don´t really allow sadness.  To be honest, given the mental health issues in my family and certain events in my childhood I believe that if I allowed myself to wallow in sadness, it would engulf me completely and I would never escape. I consciously choose to not be sad.  To not be broken.  To not let myself be broken.  Sadness and misery would have a lot of fuel if I opened myself to them. I have no desire to suffer.

Husband knows I am planning to write the detailed story.  He´s been told the single statement summarising the events and who it involves, but I´ve not ever told anyone the details.  Not my mother when things were worked out and not one of my brothers, even when they tried to get some details.  I haven´t even told myself, and they´re memories I kept firmly away from my daily life, as much as possible. 

I don´t know if I will ever share what I write.  Part of me wants to, but the other part of me doesn´t want people to know.  I am a private person, for all I appear to be open.  That´s a boundary I don´t know if I´m comfortable with pushing.  But time changes everything.

Here´s hoping I come through this a better person, with some demons exorcised, some peace in parts that have been dark and murky for a long time and better self knowledge.
renae: (Default)

How utterly gorgeous is this picture? It´s such a fabulous idea.  I would love to see it done with with Melbourne or Brisbane.
renae: (Default)
 Tonight, instead of sliding into Debussy for a short time, I sight-read The Giddy Girl by Ibert.  All Husband and Small One could say was that it's a strange peace. 

It was interesting to play and practice it. I enjoyed the music.  It was fun, cheeky and spirited.  I look forward to improving my technical proficiency (hopefully with more than 10 minutes practice before Small One kicked me off). I want to see if I can slip inside this music, layering my personality over the composer's like I do so easily with Debussy. 

I want to know if I'm still able to get that into music. 


Jun. 8th, 2009 08:48 pm
renae: (Default)
 so, I'm looking for a way to really jazz up this profile.  Will have to take the time to look further into it. 

I think I will make this a journal about my self-expression.  I need to do some artistic activities.  Music, piano practice, reading, writing and I want to learn to pain or sculpt.  Maybe, I can look into everything inside me and put it together. 

I think what I want to do is put my re-exploration of the more creative side of myself which is sorely and long neglected.   
renae: (Default)
I CANNOT get ¨fairytale¨ from eurovision out of my head.  I don´t even like it much yet I´m compelled to youtube it and will buy it on iTunes tonight because I can´t let it go...


May. 18th, 2009 09:36 am
renae: (Default)
 I have neglected this journal lately.  Not a nice thing to do.  I have so much going on, but I don't know which part of me will be used here.  Still deciding, but don't worry, I WILL be here...

well now

May. 10th, 2009 09:36 pm
renae: (Default)
 I have had an absolute corker of a day. 
The number of things I have said today that have been completely and utterly stupid is hilarious.  I appear to have wallowed through the swamp of stupidity and didn't get it all off before going out and about today. 

Now I'm watching That Mitchell and Webb Look and every time I watch it David Mitchell makes me a little squishier on the inside. 

renae: (come hither)
 Today I have started a new online journal.  I'm yet to decide what I will use this for.  I have used my real name here, so perhaps different elements of my personality will surface here. 

It's nice to be here.  Thank you[personal profile] catdraco  


renae: (Default)

October 2009

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